Dealing with the loss of a loved one.

How does one deal with the loss of someone close to them? That is a question I have posed for the past 3 years but to no avail. I have not gotten a single answer I can use.

It is through no fault of anyone, really. I don’t think that any answer would be right for that question. Rather unfortunate, really.

We all deal with loss differently. We all grieve in our own way. The most important thing is to not self-destruct. That is easier said than done. We can be our own worst enemies.

I cannot hide behind a computer screen and preach to you how one should move on with life and get over things that you cannot change. I’ve been unable to do that myself so for me to tell you that this is what you should do would be extremely hypocritical.

What I can do, however, is I can share my own experiences with you. Yes, you read that right. Plural. Experiences. 4 in the space of 6 months, to be exact. It was like a wave of tsunami, one after the other. No time to recover in between. One moment you’ve barely got your eyes open and the next thing you know, you’re hit again.

I waltzed around for almost 2 years thinking I was over it and everything was fine and dandy. I could not have been more wrong. You see, the problem was I did not give myself the time to mourn and be sad. I just pushed everything away.

I conveniently bottled up my feelings and set them aside. It seemed like the best option at that point in time. Looking back, I don’t see how I could have done anything differently. I was not in the state of mind to make any calculated decisions.

I eventually suffered a meltdown, late 2011. This lasted till the early months of 2013. I don’t remember exactly when I got back on my feet but it should be around March 2012 or so. I was very lucky as I had amazing friends who were my pillars of strength as I struggled to out myself out of the dark hole I had dug up.

I found a healthy way to channel my frustration and anger. For me, it was the gym. I dreaded it at first but now I can’t live without it. It is a form of addiction, in a sense. I get edgy and irritated when I don’t go for a couple of days. Withdrawal symptoms, maybe? As long as I am healthy, I am not going to dwell on it.

I am much better now. I would not go so far as to say that I have recovered completely as I don’t think it is possible but I am happier and I am slowly beginning to get over the sadness and anger.

When I have learned to accept, it is only then that I will say that I am truly okay.

The things I would do to put a smile on that face.

I'd buy you books. Lots and lots of them. And I'd pack them up, buy us tickets and take you with me on an adventure. We'd go travelling and with our books and each other as company, we would be just fine.

I'd take you to the beach where you can read while you wait for the sun to set, sipping on your gin and tonic with lime.

While you're doing that, I'd like to sing and play my favourite songs on my guitar because I know you'd find it silly and you'd laugh. I like making you laugh.

I'd like to take you backpacking through various countries because I know you'd appreciate the culture, history and food as much as I would.

I'd take you to parties where you can just let loose and not worry about anything because you know I will be there and I will take care of you.

I'd like to spoil you and care for you simply because you don't expect me to neither do you need me to.

Because of you, I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. With you, I'm not afraid of saying I was wrong, I'm not afraid of you judging me. I feel free.

Having said all that, I don't have the guts to tell you this.

Hence why I am posting this here. It's nice to know you're around. I'd always want you to be around. That may be a problem. Sooner or later, it will be. I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes.

For now, I'll live with the fact that I make you happy.